Monday, April 03, 2006

So I thought I might try an interent dating site. You know the ones that are 95% male, 4% ugly psycho chicks and 1% hookers? (I might have those last two numbers reversed.)

I figure after I post this the offers should roll in.

So here's my description:

I'm 27, white, male, single. I sit around my apartment all day wearing nothing but boxers and socks reading internet message boards about baseball or poker. I communicate with practically no one. I have no social skills or confidence. I am not funny.

I burp and fart. A lot. I enjoy the smell.

I have no job, no ambitions or goals, and really, no role in society. I just waste space and resources. Well, except I do pay the rent for many fine, young women who are willing to take off their clothes for me.

Due to a long history of fucked up relationships, I have become heavily misogynistic. I have no respect for women and just want a fuck toy. I am cheap and won't buy you anything. I don't care how your day was. And the last thing I want is your small-minded opinion. On anything. And for those thinking, "I am intelligent and enlightened; I don't have small-minded opinions!" you are wrong. If you have an opinion, it's small-minded. Trust me.

Women over the age of 25 need not apply; ya'll are too hairy and saggy to be worth my time.

20 Comments:

Anonymous Johnny FlopBoot said...

You should set up a new email address just to field the offers...

7:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, at least you're not jaded, sarcastic or dishonest.
[/long time reader, first time caller]

8:36 AM  
Blogger DrChako said...

"I'll have to fight 'em off with a stick..."

9:08 AM  
Blogger eric said...

Hey, I'm *not* dishonest!

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should check out craigslist

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Evan said...

It sounds to me like you should try adultfriendfinder instead of a dating site.

1:04 PM  
Blogger eric said...

Craig's list? Adultfriendfinder? Shit, the strip is 10 mins away.

Anyways, just so people don't get the wrong idea, my post is a bit exagerrated and designed to make me look bad. I wrote it in an email as a joke late one night and my friend thought it was quite funny. Since I'm not playing poker or anything, I figured I'd post it here and check out the response.

1:30 PM  
Anonymous Evan said...

Don't worry, we got the joke.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous willyum said...

http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/39860171.html

Found the above in the Best of Craigslist.

7:22 PM  
Anonymous willyum said...

At least you're playing poker on line and not WoW.

http://austin.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/134426482.html

It's so funny cuz it sounds almost true.

7:27 PM  
Anonymous willyum said...

At least you're playing poker on line and not WoW.

http://austin.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/134426482.html

It's so funny cuz it sounds almost true.

7:27 PM  
Blogger eric said...

Don't worry, we got the joke.

My family didn't, hence the disclaimer.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Evan said...

Guess I shouldn't have used the royal disclaimer then.

*I* got the joke. It was funny.

8:20 PM  
Blogger eric said...

Yeah, I think I'm glad I don't play WoW.

http://www.shoutwire.com/comments/8726/WOW_an_Online_RPG_Funeral_Gets_Ambushed_Without_Mercy

12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It seems like you are looking for a man, not a woman. Perhaps changing teams will help

3:37 PM  
Blogger Crazyboy said...

Eric, If you spin this thing up as God's gift to women, you got a great piece here -bloody hillarious.

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roger Clemens. The Barry Bonds of pitching.

8:36 AM  
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